Walt Hampton, J.D.

Creating the Work & Life You LOVE

Borderlands
July 14, 2011

Ian’s home from jail!

“You did WHAT?”

I wasn’t sure that I had heard her correctly.

“I bonded Ian out.”

I didn’t know what to say next. Ian’s 22. Horribly addicted to heroin, he’d been in jail for nearly six months after being arrested for multiple burglaries. I had recommended (strongly) to his mother that she leave him in jail. Not only to detox. But also to allow me the time and the leverage to negotiate a plea bargain that most certainly would involve jail.

Now he was out. All the time he had accumulated is lost. And most certainly he will find his way back to drugs.

“Why did you do it?” I asked, knowing that she had spent her retirement funds in the process.

“I couldn’t say no,” his mom replied.  “He kept pleading with me.”

Of course she could have said no.

We can all say no.

But we don’t.

We don’t say no.

We don’t say no

  • to the boss who says you’ve got to work the weekend
  • to the phone ringing at dinner
  • to the teenager whose emergency requires a trip to the mall
  • to the parent who still has a knack for the guilt
  • to the client who says it has to be today
  • to the “urgent” emails and voicemails
  • to the constant stream of social functions that we “should” be seen at

“No” is a perfectly good word.  But few of us use it nearly enough.

We capitulate to the expectations of others. And sacrifice ourselves.

We get overwhelmed by the urgent at the expense of the important.

Sure it’s nice to say yes. Of course it’s important to give to others. But if we deplete ourselves, if we sacrifice ourselves on the altar of other people’s demands, there is nothing left to give.

There was a reason Robert Frost said “Good fences make good neighbors.”

Boundaries, I call them.

We need boundaries.

We all need them. Without them, we are

  • stressed
  • overworked
  • distracted
  • exhausted
  • short-tempered
  • burned out

I come across so many folks everyday in my professional life, among my colleagues, clients and friends, who are angry and resentful because they are doing something they “have” to do.

“I have to do it; I have no choice,” they say.

And yet they do.

We always do. We always have a choice.

The real question is, do we have the courage and the resolve to make the choice?

Can we set the boundaries?

Do we value ourselves enough? Do we value those we love enough?

Ian likely wouldn’t be in the predicament he’s in today had his mother learned to say no long ago.

I’m saying no right now. Not another damn word.




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