Walt Hampton, J.D.

Creating the Work & Life You LOVE

Time Management For Losers

by Walt | Aug 15, 2013 | Success | 0 Comments

A guest post this week from the inestimable Ann Sheybani…

A long time ago, when I was selling photo copiers for a living, I met an older woman who gave me a piece of advice I will never forget.

“Darling,” she said, smoothing back her hair with steady hands, “there’s a time and a place for everything. You can’t do it all at once, no matter what they say.”

My husband at that time was working at the University of Connecticut as a temporary professor. One of the perks as his spouse was the ability to take free classes, which I thought I should avail myself of. I was feeling a thousand years behind the curve because I’d just returned from living in Iran, and I was beginning all over again. I was banging on doors from 9 to 5 in a 70-mile territory; I had two small children at home, a marriage on the rocks; and I was convinced that I should drive an hour each way, maybe three times a week, to further educate myself.

So, there I was at a print shop, waiting for my sales appointment, when I ran into the elegant older woman who gave me that advice, who told me I should give myself a break and forget the classes until my kids were older.

What she’d done after her children had grown made her words memorable. She and her husband sold their house, moved to Switzerland, and studied together at the Carl Jung Institute. At 60, they moved back to the U.S. and opened a booming psychiatry practice. In each of the stages of her life, including the one as a Mom and housewife, she’d felt happy and fulfilled.

I think our generation struggles so with the Super Woman mindset: This notion that we should be able to do it all, have it all, be it all, then balance it all, NOW, NOW, NOW, in order to be enough.

We consider ourselves ~~fucking losers~~ lazy if our house isn’t spotless. If our children aren’t adorably talented, our career impressive, our abs six-pack-alicious, our sex-life worthy of Penthouse. If we don’t have a couple of side businesses, a book on the bestseller list, and a circle of hilarious friends who meet for brunch on Sunday mornings wearing Gucci.

It’s why we keep looking for THAT ONE time management secret that will help us pack it all in.

I believe we can have it all, just not all at once.

This coming from someone who operates a couple of businesses, climbs big mountains, runs ultra-marathons, writes, speaks, coaches, and travels the world like it’s my job.

We’re human beings AND there are only 24 hours in a day. Something has got to give. Let me be more precise: Something WILL give.

I’m highly suspect of people who claim to have all aspects of their life totally under control. I tend to chalk up much of that bullshit to spin. I wonder how they managed to cover up their stint in rehab, or their gruesome 3^rd divorce, or the fact that their kids haven’t spoken to them since 1996, that sort of thing. But that’s probably just me being bitter.

I do believe that you can have a lot more, and that there are some really valuable tricks of the trade when it comes to having it all—secrets that are worth bending an ear for: drawing boundaries, saying no, asking for help, delegating, repurposing, drop kicking perfectionism, and so on, and so forth. (I mean, I coach on this topic.)

But I really think the only way to forgive ourselves for not winning the Master of the Universe Award is to set some priorities, priorities based on our highest values, and let the other stuff go to hell, at least for the time being.

Otherwise you walk around in ratty pajamas all day feeling totally defeated, and hopeless, which is so not how you want to do this gig.

My kids are grown and out of the house. I’ve done the heavy lifting there. And it’s true, what that wonderful stranger said, I have time, now, to pursue all those things I was chomping on the bit to do. All those things that would have felt unbelievably overwhelming way back when.

I still have to choose, EVERY SINGLE DAY, what I’m going to focus my time and attention on, and what will get waaayyyyy short shrift. So, sorry, if you’re looking for balance, it ain’t here.

Today I’m writing, and my house looks like looters have ransacked it.
I’ve been focusing on building a business or two, and my memoir is gathering dust in the bottom drawer.
I bought a house in Ireland, and my marathon training is spotty at best.
I’ve conducted some great on-line writing courses, and my friends can’t remember the color of my hair.

But that’s OK. Because I know that the in-basket is always full, and that there’s a season for everything.

And that it’s not a crime to use cliches. Thank God.

This is my garage. It needs help.

_____________________________________________________________________

Visit Ann’s popular website at: www.annsheybani.com

Be A Slasher

by Walt | Aug 8, 2013 | Finding The Way, Journeys, Success | 0 Comments

One of my least favorite questions in the entire world, asked at nearly every business meeting, networking function, and social gathering, is, “So, what do you do?”

As if what we “do” – for work – defines us.

Of course, for many folks, it does define them. What they ‘do’ is all they are.

It is their identity; their stature; their worth; their significance; the entire core of their being.

They are their job. Their job is their life. There is nothing else.

That leaves some folks feeling frustrated, lost, trapped… and sad.

Boomers are particularly plagued. And men. They (we) were raised with this model: Go to school, work hard, really hard, get a job, a ‘real’ job (ya know, the one with the benefits), toil for 40 years (with the requisite perks and promotions), retire, move to Florida, and die. Deviation from this model meant (still means) something went horribly ‘wrong,’ accompanied by a concomitant sense of failure, embarrassment …and shame.

A “doing” that defines their being. For all time.

In my coaching, I meet many folks who are tired of what they ‘do.’ They want desperately to break free of their ‘personal hell;’ their ‘rat race’…. To be more. To discover a richer, fuller, more satisfying life, a life that resonates more deeply; work that makes their hearts happy; a way of being in the world that makes their spirits soar.

And they have no idea where to start.

It starts with:

• Stopping long enough to open up a space within ourselves for hope;
• Giving ourselves permission… to imagine, to dream again; and
• Having the courage to say ‘no’ to what’ s not working.

It’s about being playful about possibility. It’s about a willingness to experiment, and bravery enough to try things out. It’s about having the audacity to step out from behind a role; the courage to face the fear of our own nakedness; and the resolve to dust ourselves off and begin… again and again and again.

It’s about being willing to let go of a ‘role’ in order to embrace a life.

And it’s scary shit.

When I walked away from being a full-time lawyer, it nearly paralyzed me. (Still does from time to time.) Being a lawyer was a safe secure identity… an accepted role. An ‘important’ one even! Who am I without that mask? An adventurer? A photographer? A speaker? A coach? What does ‘doing’ all those things mean? Are they as ‘significant’ as the role I played? And if I’m many things and not just one thing, am I really ‘serious about what I ‘do’? And who am I now in the ‘pecking order’ of folks who continue to ‘do’ just one (really) ‘important’ thing?

Of course, now I’ve met a slew of folks who ‘do’ so many cool things: Folks like me who are coaches/speakers/authors/mountain climbers/ocean sailors/adventure photographers; accountants who are recording artists; runners who are dental hygenists; doctors who play in rock bands; lawyers who are triathletes. Folks whose eyes sparkle when they tell you what they ‘do.’

Each of us possess so many gifts and talents that are uniquely ours to share. Gifts that no one else can give. To define oneself as a single activity is not only an anachronism. It denies the world the richness of who we really are.

Gail Sheehy, in fact, suggests that “a single fixed identity is a liability today.”

We – all of us – are complex. Wouldn’t it be wonderful to own that complexity, to stand authentically in every facet – every ripple – of who we really are? Wouldn’t that be freeing? Wouldn’t that be fun?

It feels scary to loose oneself of what one ‘does.’ But it is no longer expected or required that you ‘do’ just one thing.

So who do you want to be? What slashes do you want to add to your identity?

A guitarist/sales person/bike rider? A lawyer/rower? A water- colorist/psychologist? A rabbi/comedian? Or maybe an entrepreneur/inventor/writer/printer/politician like Ben Franklin?

We get to choose.

Brene Brown, in her beautiful book, the Gifts of Imperfection has the perfect answer to the question ‘what do you do?’

She responds by asking, “How long do you have?”

Don’t Lean

by Walt | Aug 1, 2013 | Success | 0 Comments

There seems to be a lot of “leaning” going on these days.

Sheryl Sandberg’s book Lean In is #1 on the list of New York Times Bestsellers. Sandberg says that women unintentionally hold themselves back from successful careers; that they need to be more proactive, more assertive; that in their pursuit of corporate success, they “need to sit at the table, seek challenges, take risks, and pursue their goals with gusto.”

On the other hand, Elaine Pofeldt, writing in this month’s issue of Money magazine, warns that too much ‘leaning in’ may be exhausting. She suggests that if we want more fulfilling lives, maybe we should “lean out,” get off the treadmill, leave the high-powered job and pursue work that is more satisfying and rewarding.

I wonder if we should be doing less leaning and more listening.

Recent figures suggest that nearly 70% of folks are unhappy with their work.

Maybe the old metrics of success aren’t working.

Maybe the answer is not to lean in… or to lean out… but to get clear.

Again.

Reclaim what is was that quickened your heart; discover again what ignites your spirit.

When we’re little, we have such grand, clear visions for our lives: what we want to be, what we want to do, where we want to live, where we want to go and who we want to do it all with. And then somewhere, often, the cart goes off the track. We get sucked down rabbit holes in our careers and our personal lives… and one day we wake up wondering how we got ‘here’ and whether it’s ‘too late’ to change course.

It’s never too late to change course.

As a coach, I work with folks who feel so trapped.

But we are the jailors and we hold the key.

Stop looking for the answers outside yourself, among the gurus and the pundits. Turn down the volume. Get quiet.

Ask yourself these questions:

• What are the circumstance of my life asking of me right now?

• What is it that I really, really want?

• What is my heart calling me to do?

• What excites me?

• Where would my gifts shine most brightly?

• What would be “too much fun” to do?

“Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life,” Steve Jobs once said. “Don’t be trapped by dogma – which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of other’s opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.”

You don’t need to lean. Stand tall. Listen to your heart. It always knows the way.

R U A Zombie?

by Walt | Jul 25, 2013 | Success | 0 Comments

A couple of weeks ago, Ann and I saw the summer thriller World War Z. It’s about a pathogen gone wild that turns folks into zombies.

Once infected, their eyes glaze over. They become dull and lifeless until they’re stressed by sound. Then they become dangerously aggressive running wildly in packs.

They’re the ‘un-dead.’

But they might as well be dead.

Are you a zombie?

I’ve just started working with a professional who puts in 17-hour days, seven days a week. He doesn’t know how to stop. He has hasn’t taken a vacation in years. His health is failing. His marriage is suffering. And, despite all the time he spends, his business is unraveling.

He’s stressed and lifeless and running around madly; trying desperately to keep all the balls in the air.

He’s definitely a zombie.

But he’s not alone.

So many of the folks who seek out Ann and me for coaching have lost control of their time; they’ve lost sight of their boundaries; they wake up every day feeling exhausted and depleted; feeling as if they’re already behind; then they run around madly all day long trying desperately to accomplish enough – to be enough; then they fall into bed at the end of the day feeling worn out and frustrated and empty… only to wake up and do it all over again.

The answer, they think, is to double down. Get busier; work harder; put in more hours.

I know. I owned that tee shirt once. (I had a secretary years ago who referred to me – not so lovingly – as a ‘hamster on a wheel.’ And truth be told, it felt just that way.)

But there is a better way. And it’s not about doing more or accomplishing more or being more.

(In fact, we are already enough, just as we are.)

• It’s about getting clear about our purpose; about our vision for our lives.
• It’s about saying ‘no’ to what’s not working so that we can say ‘yes’ to what is.
• It’s about foregoing the urgent for what is truly important.

It’s about discovering work that makes our hearts sing. It’s about nurturing the relationships that matter. It’s about caring for these magnificent bodies that carry us on this journey.

It’s about resting and recharging and reclaiming ourselves.

Peak performers: They know the secrets:

They know it’s not about working harder.

They’re they ones whose lives are rich and full and happy; who wake up every day excited and on fire about what lies ahead.

They’re the ones who know the rhythms of work and rest and play. They’re the ones with the light in their eyes and the spring in their step.

You can learn these secrets too.

Zombies. They should stay in the movies.

Do You Use Bad Language?

by Walt | Jul 18, 2013 | Success | 0 Comments

My mother used to threaten to wash my mouth out with soap. Those of you know me well can probably guess why.

All of us, though, have the capacity for bad language. And I’m not talking about the f-bomb kind.

What I’m talking about is the language we use when we view the world, when we consider our challenges, when we evaluate those around us; when we judge ourselves.

Is the world a benevolent place that seeks our good? Or is is dark and foreboding?

Do we ask what might go right? Or what will go wrong?

Are other people fellow journeyers on the path? Or predators waiting to take advantage of us?

How we “language” dictates how we feel about what “happens” to us:

Tony Robbins tells a story about a friend of his who got stuck in a broken-down, open-topped vehicle in the the jungles of Africa as night fell. His friend said: “My, this is inconvenient.”

Is the line at the DMV, yet another example or government’s ineptitude? Or a chance to chat with a stranger?
Is the traffic jam a disaster of existential proportion likely to lead to catastrophe and the demise of business as we know it? Or a magnificent opportunity to listen to some beautiful music or an inspiring lecture?
Is the deal that just fell through the last best chance for profit and prosperity? Or is it a sign that a better opportunity lies ahead?

How we “language” what we face impacts how we feel about others:

Jack Canfield tells the story of standing in a line behind a man who was upbraiding a hotel clerk. Apparently the clerk had been unable to accommodate the man’s request for a larger room. The man went away extraordinarily angry. When Canfield’s turn came at the desk, he complimented the clerk on the kind and patient way in which the clerk had handled an unpleasant customer. The clerk responded, “The man probably was just having a bad day. He’s probably a very nice person.”

What if the guy who cuts you off in traffic is really on the way to the hospital to see his dying mother? Would you feel the same rage?
What if the cop who angrily tickets you for speeding just tried unsuccessfully to resuscitate an infant? Would you have the same indignation?
What if your boss who has ignored your last two emails has just discovered that her daughter is hooked on heroin? Would you be so annoyed?

How we “language” impacts what we believe about ourselves:

Do we believe that we are capable? Or that we lack in essential skills?
Do we believe that we’re deserving? Or that the train has passed us by?
Do we think that we’re the victor? Or do we play the victim?

How we “language” dictates our success:

Are there options? Or blind alleys?
Are there opportunities? Or just dangers?
Are there possibilities? Or just problems?

From the start, we set the stage. Joel Osteen suggests that before we get up in the morning, we tell ourselves these words: “This day will be a great day. I’m expecting God’s favor. I know I’m well able to fulfill my destiny. I’ve been empowered to overcome every obstacle. I have the strength to overlook every offense. I have the grace to rise above every disappointment. Even if things don’t go my way today, I know God’s in control, and that I’m making up my mind right now to be happy and enjoy this day.” That would sure switch things up, wouldn’t it?

What if you used “good” language? What if you believed that anything were possible? What if you believed that you could make your wildest dreams come true? What if you believed that the Universe conspired for your good? What if you believed that the world was an abundant place and that there was enough to go around? How would that change up the way you approached the world?

Negativity pervades. How we language is a constant struggle. And yes, I’m fairly certain that my mother still wants to wash my mouth out with soap.

But Cy Coleman wrote, “The Best Is Yet To Come.” How ’bout we all work with that?

__________________________________________________________________________

This is an encore of a piece first published on August 12, 2012.