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That Lie You Tell
I want to talk with you about that lie that you tell.
That one you tell all the time.
To yourself; to anyone who will listen.
That soothing lie.
That seductive pernicious one.
The one that goes like this: There’s time.
That there will be time to go on that trip you want to take, that second honeymoon, that book you want to write, the degree you want to get, the art you want to make, that new job, the new career… .
That there will be time to heal the rift, sooth the hurt, fulfill the dream.
That there will be time to connect with your precious boy, your sweet girl, that beautiful grand child.
That there will be time to walk hand in hand on the beach; slow dance in the city square on a summer night; sip the coffee; savor the wine; and watch the sunset.
That there will be time after you get through this quarter, this year; after you’ve made partner; gotten the promotion; after you’ve lost the weight; after the kids are out of high school, or college; or their students loans are paid off; after you’ve finished with the mortgage; after your husband retires; or you retire… .
I want to talk with you about it because 2015 is a distant memory; because you said maybe you’d get to it after the holidays, and it’s the middle of January…. because this year will disappear in the rear view mirror as fast as the last.
I want to talk with you about it because tomorrow is promised to no one; because now is all there is; and now is all you have.
I want to talk with you about that lie you tell… because I tell it too.
What Do You Want?
Hope deferred makes the heart sick,
but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.Proverbs 13:12
How are you today?
I hope you’ve woken up rested, refreshed and satisfied after your holiday celebrations.
But if, instead, you’re feeling dazed and depleted and maybe a little bit empty, you are not alone.
The holidays are a huge source of stress; a seemingly never-ending torrent of buying and wrapping and eating and drinking and binging and networking and connecting and partying; with concomitant unceasing demands and obligations and expectations.
Likely you’ve spent the last several weeks (or months!) hustling around fulfilling everyone else’s wants. Tending to the needs of others.
Except that you’re not.
It’s today. Another day. And while you can, perhaps, distract yourself for a little while longer, “ringing in” this New Year, the day is coming soon when you will face the expanse – or the abyss – of the year ahead.
So today’s question is not about all those other folks you’ve been attending to. It’s about you.
What do you want?
What do you really want?
Not what you think you should want; or what you think you’re expected to want. Not what your father wanted; or what you’re mother thought would be right. Not what your partner or boyfriend or girlfriend or neighbors want. Not what your clients want. Not what some well-intentioned teacher or guidance counselor wanted for you.
Rather, what is it you want ? For yourself? Right here? Right now?
The folks who read this blog are, by their very nature, givers. The challenge for givers is receiving. The challenge for givers is getting quiet enough to listen to the still small voice that speaks to us of our heart’s desires. The challenge for givers is giving to ourselves what it is we really, really want.
Because, we presume that what we want is bad. Or selfish. Or self-centered.
Or more frequently, we forget what we wanted. We become numb to our heart’s desire.
So on the threshold of a new year, I have a challenge for you: Set aside some time just for you; and spend some time asking yourself (and perhaps journaling about) these questions:
- If I could make my life any way I wanted it, what would my ‘perfect’ day look like? My ‘perfect’ week? What time would I get up? What would I wear? Who would I spend my time with? What work would I do? What projects would I pursue? What travels would I take? What would my ‘perfect’ life look like?
- If this were my very last year on earth, what would I do? Would I stay in the same relationship; would I keep the same job; would I hang out with the same people; would I go the same places; would I do things the way I’m doing them right now?
- If money were no object, if I won the $30 million dollar Powerball, what would I do? After I bought all the toys I wanted, where would I go; who would I go with; where would I spend my time; what experiences would I want to create; what legacy would I want to leave?
Because here’s what’s true: Those whispers that are in our hearts, those dreams that we have, those projects we want to create, those places we want to go, the empires we want to build, the impact we want to make… they’re not random musings; they’re not accidents. They are the call of our Spirit, the Divine within us, showing us – telling us – the way.
So think. Write. Draw. Free flow. Tear down the boundaries. No limitations. Let your imagination run wild.
And then get busy. Because, that’s what you want. That’s what you really want.
That’s your heart’s desire.
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If this is a challenge for you, then you are not alone. It’s easy to lose touch with what it is we really want. I can help you find that place again. Email me: [email protected]
Be Wrong To Be Right
It wasn’t going to work out well. They had it completely wrong. We could see it as plain as day.
The narrow runnel of ice they’d chosen went nowhere. A blind alley. A dead end.
But they were in it; and couldn’t see.
Through the Nikon spotting scope, we watched. Scott Backes and Mark Twight, climbers on the cutting edge, pushing a steep new route up the sheer northwest face of Mt. Hunter. They’d swung their climbing axes in that runnel for nearly the entire day in the arctic cold, finally to discover their error; an error all of us had seen in the light of dawn from miles away.
They re-traced their steps to their tiny bivouac ledge 2000′ above the glacier. It hadn’t been their first dead end. Or their last.
But with a new dawn, they started out again.
They persisted; and they succeeded.
You see, it’s by starting out that you finally discover what works well; and what doesn’t.
You can study books and maps and photographs. You can look through spotting scopes. You can talk to the gurus; and take lots of courses. You can plot and plan and think.
(And, of course, all of this is helpful.)
But there comes a time when you must start.
The book, the speech, the product launch, the career, the relationship, the business.
You must start.
And sometimes it works; and sometimes it will be a dead end.
But you’ll never know. Unless you start.
Ultimately, you find your voice by speaking. You discover your message by sharing. You discover your purpose by working. You find your tribe by serving.
“Many people die with their music still in them,” wrote Oliver Wendall Holmes, Sr. “Why is this so? Too often it’s because they are always getting ready to live. Before they know it, time runs out.”
Too many entrepreneurs and professionals spend their time getting ready. They wait to have their logos right, their copy flawless, their websites optimized, their PowerPoints elegant, their pitches perfect.
They wait… and they wait… until the time is ‘right.’
Except that it’s never right.
And the work never gets done.
Remember this: There are no failures. Only lessons.
Be relentless. Accumulate lessons.
It is out in the mess of it all that you’ll get clear; that you’ll come upon the answers; that you’ll find the success that is your own.
So start. There is magic in the starting.
How To Avoid Going Over The Cliff
In life itself, there is a time to seek inner peace, a time to rid oneself of tension and anxiety. The moment comes when the striving must let up, when wisdom says, “Be quiet.” You’ll be surprised how the world keeps on revolving without your pushing it. And you’ll be surprised how much stronger you are the next time you decide to push.”
— John Gardner
I pushed the throttle forward and hurtled even faster toward the cliff.
Then I stopped.
Not because I really wanted to. But because I had promised myself I would.
I returned, once again, to the monastery nestled on a remote hilltop. To rest; to re-create; to renew. (I set as my intention to do this four times a year; I don’t always do very well.)
Going completely off the grid to a monastery, especially at this time of year, can be tough duty for an achievement and adrenaline junkie like me.
But what I know for sure is that the stopping is essential to the going.
We – all of us – are bombarded by inputs, and demands and expectations. We’re inundated with voice mails and text messages, emails and faxes. Everyone and everything competes for our attention. And with our “smart” phones, we’re always “on.”
One day melds into the next as we labor under our self-imposed illusions that if we can but accomplish just a little bit more, pack in just a little bit more, respond to just one more request, satisfy just one more customer, cart the child just one more place, buy just one more gift, send just one more card, then we’ll be able to rest.
Culturally – and individually – we’re weary. Add in the holidays – and societal tragedies – and, at the end of the day, most of us feel worn pretty thin.
We forget how important – how essential – renewal is.
Rest days are a key component of high-altitude mountaineering. Recovery is a critical piece of athletic training.
Bears hibernate; trees go dormant. The natural world knows how to rest. The seasons have a rhythm to them. We not so much.
We keep on pushing on.
One of my favorite books is Life Entrepreneurs by Christopher Gergen and Gregg Vanourek. It resonates so profoundly with the work I do: empowering extraordinary living. Its essential message: “We can fashion a life that is purposeful, self-directed and aligned with who we truly are – providing us with opportunities for challenge, contribution, and fulfillment.” We get to design our lives. We get to choose.
It’s a hard-driving book filled with fascinating profiles of highly successful, remarkably creative leaders, innovators and entrepreneurs. It explores all of the nuances of extraordinary lives. And it captures a core component of success, one overlooked by nearly all gurus, coaches, and achievement “experts:” the need to stop; to renew; to re-create.
Speed kills. “We ignore the basics of our physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being at our own peril.” Make renewal “a cherished habit,” the authors say.
Not all of us need to go off the grid to a monastery for four days at a time (although I highly recommend it!). But there are practices and “habits” that you could explore that might allow for some breathing room. Here are some things that you might want to try:
- Turn off your electronics for a day (or even just an hour!)
- Explore a regular meditation practice
- Take a yoga class
- Do some aerobic exercise every day
- Walk in the woods or along the shore
- Avoid your email in-box in the morning
- Work in block time to avoid the interruptions
- Don’t multi-task (it doesn’t really work anyway)
- Take regular vacations, long weekends, and mental health days
- Learn to say ‘no’ more often
Even though this time of year often feels frantic and out of control, even though we’re fond of telling ourselves that we’ll get to the important stuff after the holidays, there really is no better time to pull back to nurture yourself. No one else will do it for you. (Check out the recent talk I gave on this.)
The authors of Life Entrepreneurs remind us what John Muir once said: “I only went out for a walk and finally concluded to stay out till sundown, for going out, I found, was really going in.”
When you go in, you’ll find how much more there is of you to step out with – to share with the world.
You can avoid the cliff.
All you need to do is stop.
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Are you ready for the next step? Would you like to take your business and your life to the next level? I’ll have one rare opening in my Inner Circle Coaching program beginning in January. Email today me if you’d like to explore whether that spot might be right for you: [email protected]
The great “cliff” face of Mt. Hunter in the Alaska Range.
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This is an encore of a post first published on December 27, 2012. With thanks and gratitude for the wonderful words of wisdom from by friend Gregg Vanourek.
A Fork For You
In the crazy busyness of the holiday season, it is easy to lose touch with the natural rhythm of things.
December 22 marks the Winter Solstice.
One of the most poignant moments in Paul Winter’s annual Consort, by which he celebrates the Solstice, is his soaring piece, The Turning Point Suite. Begun in a darkened cathedral with a solo clarinet in a far-removed loft, it culminates in a full symphonic cacophony of sound and light… marking that moment when the earth seemingly pauses, then turns once again toward the sun with its promise of renewal and new life.
Those of us in the Northern Hemisphere stand on the threshold of that Solstice moment.
Will you mark it as your turning point? Your defining moment? The moment when you say “yes” to the full expression of your life? Are you ready to embrace a new standard for your career; for your business and your finances; for your relationships and your health and wellness? Are you ready to step up your game? Are you ready to commit to a life that is extraordinary? That leaves a legacy for generations?
Or will you let it slide by lost in the holiday noise?
We can make our lives soaring symphonies… or not.
We get to choose.
It is the turning point. Will it be yours?
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A Solstice invitation: Join a community of like-minded people who want more. Coaching, mentorship, resources to take you the distance. The Summit Mastermind. Check it out HERE!
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