Several years ago I opted to work with a Jack Canfield coach.  I wasn’t sure what the arrangement was going to be like, I just knew I needed a kick in the ass so I could get out of my own way and accomplish some really big goals.

I was required, as part of the process, to fill out a questionairre–the Winslow Dynamics Profile– that would highlight some of my “issues”, and what came up–a startling lack of assertiveness– surprised the living shit out of me.

It’s not that I didn’t recognize my inability to say no to those I love, or the paralytic fear of abandonment that arose in me each time I faced a conflict. It’s not that I wasn’t tired of fuming because, for the quadrillionth time, I’d dropped what I was doing to attend to somebody else’s perceived emergency. I was just amazed at how thoroughly my lack of back bone seemed to have held me back in every area of my life.

I believed, whole-heartedly, what Canfield and his league of coaches claimed:

Our psychological emergency brakes–negative images about ourselves, our comfort zone “prison” of can’ts, musts, must nots, our inaccurate beliefs about reality, our self-doubt–are all keeping us stuck.

I figured it was time to take responsibility for myself so I could get unstuck, because blaming others hadn’t really helped.

I started by rereading The Adult Children of Alcoholics Syndrome, just to confirm how I got so messed up in the first place.  Then, done rolling around in the mud, I began ordering assertiveness and self-esteem and personal boundaries books off of Amazon like I was shoring up for Armageddon.

Now, I hate God talk in books.  If I see a reference to Jesus, or to the Bible, or to Tammy Faye Baker, I go running for the hills. That being said, as rife with church lingo as Boundaries is, this is one of the best books about setting healthy boundaries so people won’t eat you alive that ever landed on my doorstep.

Ah, Boundaries.

You know all those little anecdotal stories authors use to illustrate a point? Yah? Well, I saw myself, as I relate to others, in nearly every single one.

I was the daughter backpedaling with her guilt-flinging mother.  The wife doing back-flips to appease a disdainful husband.  The mother rescuing her children from natural consequences.  The friend giving away her precious time so someone else could take a break. The employee too afraid to ask for that overdue raise.

Worse were the questions posed in Chapter 1:

• Do you bend over backwards to appease?
• Are you tired of trying to soothe your husband out of his tantrums?
• Do you find yourself feeling nothing more than resentment and fear?
• Do you sense that your life is out of control?
• Are you a master of taking care of the feelings and problems of others?

Ruh-roh!

Now, it’s one thing to read about setting personal boundaries, it’s another thing entirely to apply the concepts.  It took a long time to deal with the fact that no one cheers when you stop doing for them what you’ve always done. Truth be told, there’s an awful lot of flack. Because people love it when you over-provide. People love it when they can drop their problems in your lap and run off to Cancun with your credit card in hand.

I had to practice saying no a lot. I repeated, over and over again, “Sorry, that’s not going to work for me,” every morning while I brushed me teeth. I had to lean on my husband–a professional boundary setter if ever there were such a thing–whenever I faced a particularly gruesome challenge.

Like that hysterical call from my twenty-two year old daughter. Who chose to take the Fung Wah bus from DC in the middle of the night.  Even though I’d told her I wouldn’t pick her up from a depot half a state away at 3 am.

Used to me rescuing her from every jam, she wasn’t “down for” facing her own irresponsibility.  She needed to lose the illusion that she didn’t have to plan ahead like the rest us.  That lesson, however, didn’t feel good. There were several moments I needed to be talked off the ledge.

So if you answer yes to those very same questions.  If you fantasize about running away to live in a convent. If the idea of making new friends makes you nervous because they represent one more time synch.  Then you, my friend, have boundary issues, too.

Life is short. But your calendar will open up when you learn what is your responsibility, and what is not.

Only you know what you can and want to give, and only you can be responsible for drawing that line.  If you do not draw it, resentment will rule.

If this seems daunting, get some help.

And know that I’m rooting for you.

One more thing.  If you want to know how those lack of boundaries are making you fat, check out Dr. Sara Gotfried’s article below.

http://www.saragottfriedmd.com/2012/05/04/cortisol-switcharoo/#